Malike Bamiyi is sinking quickly.
| Us | |
| Desmond Wigturner | One of my alter egos. |
| Sue Oreo | Another one of my alter egos. |
| Them | |
| Malike Bamiyi | Supposedly the son of a Nigerian dignitary. |
| Barr. Sule Yahahya | Malike's phoney lawyer. |
| Tim Johnson | The head of a 'security company' operating in Amsterdam. |
| "Central Bank" | Another scammer that tries to steal the transaction. |
| Mr. Bello | "Central Bank"'s assistant. |
I love Malike. Malike is a great guy. He can't spell, but he's great fun. He's evasive, but he's up for anything. He goes under house arrest, but he always manages to get out to a netcafe for an hour or so a day.
Malike's very persistent. Perhaps he's just trying to hedge his bets, just in case he manages to get something - anything - out of me. But it allows me to lead him up the garden path time and time again.
It all starts out with a typical 419 mail.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Subject: l need help
Date: Today 03:16:31
Greetings to you in the name of ALLAH
I am the son of Bamiyi, a Muslim and the frist son of General Ishaya Bamiyi, the former Chief of Army staff under our Late Nigerian Head of State (General Sani Abacha). You were introduced to me through my third daughter, Rafia who got your e-mail address and personality from the Internet.
I am presently in distress and under house arrest at my home state (Kano State) while my father has been undergoing series of trials in federal High Courts in Lagos State and the Federal Capital territory (FCT), Abuja. My father has been detained in prison custody since past four (4) years, he was falsely accused of involvement in the looting of the treasury during the regime of General sani Abacha of which my father was the chief of army staff.
While my father is been incarcerated and detained in prison by the present government, the government which majority of them benefited from the General Sani Abacha's Regime has frozen all the family account and auctioned all our properties. There is a strong indication that the present government is persecuting us simply because we are Muslims, because most of the people detained in prison together with my father are all Muslims. This includes the eldest son of the late general sani Abacha, Mohammed Abacha. You can check this website and see the names of those being incarcerated by the government and you will understand what I mean:
http://www.mtrustonline.com/bamaiyi13082002.htm
http://www.vanguardngr.com/articles/2002/national/nr508032003.html
To save the family from total bankruptcy, I have managed to send some fund/money out of the country for safety through a shipping company, the sum of US$25,300,000.00 precisely. My father attorney assisted us to achieve this. The money was disguised to beat the Nigerian security and it is currently deposited in a security company with a coded name in EUROPE. I want you to receive this money and pay it into your account for the family's safe keep in case my husband or I die while in incarceration, it is the only Assets and Legacy left for the family.
I am offering you 10% for assisting me secure this money fast before it is located by the Nigerian Government security Agents. Honestly,
I have really suffered a lot in the hands of this present. They want to do every thing to eliminate my father . They would not even grant him bail. You can also see this websites to understand what is really going on. They even accused him of murder he does not know about:
http://www.mtrustonline.com/bamaiyi13082002.htm
http://allafrica.com/stories/200303080084.html
Please I want you to consider my plight and help me. But were you think you cannot help me, please do let me know on time so that I can look for another person.
I hope to hear from you immediately.
malike Bamaiyi.
See? URLs. Trustwortiness. Usually it's not worth even reading what they say here because the plot on their end deviates so wildly as soon as they get a potential sucker that it's not particularly relevant, but let's go through this. First of all, he asks for help for someone named 'L'. Note that that thing at the top is a lowercase 'L' and not an 'I'. He claims he got my 'personality' from the internet, possibly like in the film 'Johnny Mnemonic'. He claims that he has some money put away for financial safekeeping. He makes mention of the famed Abacha family (who are the equivalent of 419 royalty).
To begin with, I just wanted to supply him with a nice chunk of confusion.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Bamiyi,
Who is 'l'?
How did you know to contact me in particular? I am a retired businessman, and I am very sorry to hear about the severe anguish you must have been through recently. Naturally this transaction that you are suggesting to me appeals to both my empathy and creative sense of lolly munging.
Please advise me on how to proceed next. Since my retirement I have been considerably well off and would be able to secure funds to aid in the passage of this transfer. Is any travel required on my part or can I perform my actions entirely on the western passage and tele-tapper?
I hope fortune is kinder to you from now on. I will do my best to aid.
Mr. D. Wigturner
That ought to be enough to solicit a long confusing prewritten splurge from him.
From: Malike Bamiyi
how are you and your family i will your private phone number and fax to
take more with you on phone to proceed next good by for now
malike bamiyi
No fair. No work ethic in scammers these days. But it's going to be no good if he doesn't actually read any of my messages.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Malibu Bammy,
I would like to know more about you. How is your family? How many children do you have? Can you swim?
I am keen to help you, but you really must answer my questions from my first mail. Please re-read it.
I am a very rich man, but unfortunately I have only just moved into a new place, and as of yet we are not equipped with a telephone line, nor a fax line. These should be fitted shortly, probably within the next week or so. In time, I should have installed a telex line, tele tapper, municipal post office telegram and stock ticker (connected to the 4 great financial centres of the world, including the Belgian Congo and East Siam).
But for now we must communicate solely via electronic mail.
Please tell me, if your father looted the treasury, how to we know he is not going to make off with the funds in question? Surely he still has the wheelbarrow he used to do it with.
Please reply soon,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Why are you named after a type of rum?
From: Malike Bamiyi
how are you and your family i am sorry for the delay my name you no i have 2 children and married to 1 wife i am a business man in own 2 company
money as of now is in the custody of a security company in europe and the security company has a liason office in usa .the money can be transfered to the usa office of the security company.your role is to help us to clear the consignment(money) at the office of the security company in usa, london, holand, spain,.the officials of the security company will help you to open/establish an account where the money will be lodged untill we agree on where to invest the money. so i want you to tell me when you will likely travel to europe to conclude this transaction.
good by bfor now
malike bamiyi
'Holand'. Nice. I think he assumes I'm in North America, hence the 'travel to europe' part.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dearest MALIBU BUMYE,
I am glad to hear you have a family. Do you like your wife?
I would probably be able to travel reasonably soon, as long as we are able to secure a date for travel. I have to plan in advance. In my country, it is customary when travelling to do business for the visitor to bring gifts, to show goodwill. What would you like me to bring?
You still have not answered most of my questions. I cannot continue with business that I am unsure of: these questions must be answered. Firstly, can you swim? Secondly, something that severely troubles me is whether we can trust your father. I mean he did loot the treasury to get this money. How do I know he won't try and loot it again? Have you confiscated his wheelbarrow?
Best wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Why are you named after a type of rum?
It's like doing a half-assed job on homework. At least try to do a couple of the questions and it won't be so bad. But he will learn to answer all my questions one way or another, even if it kills one of us.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Wigturner
Thank you for takeing your time to reply me. I still don't understand all this question you ask me but i will anwser the question. first i love my wife as i have love my life and i can swm, secondly we can trust my father because he his a change man because he has giveing his life to God.he was falsely accused of involvement in the looting of the treasury, but we have to trust each other to carry on this transaction.and remember that i am under house arrest and me and family depend on this transaction not to go bankrup.
Which of the security company brances or head office will you like to travel to? so i can give you a date and the contact of the security company.
malike bamiyi
From: Desmond Wigturner
MALIBU BUMYE,
First of all, please address me as Mr. Wigturner. Wigturner alone is not acceptable. I am glad that you have answered my questions and thank you for that. I will probably find it easiest to travel to Amsterdam. Could you arrange that for me?
Have you confiscated your father's wheelbarrow?
I hope to see full documentation for this transaction in time. I trust you can provide it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go drag a blind in my jalopy to some speakeasy before a hard boiled torpedo catches us in the struggle buggy.
Hugs and Kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Why are you named after a type of rum?
From: Malike Bamiyi
First let me try and find out from them. then i will get back to you, but u can send me your phone number or fax if it is ready both i will get back you again. about what you ask me.
Hm. Coherent. I suppose it's nice and concise though. Besides, now I'm just going to start screwing with him:
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear chip,
Rather disturbing news, I'm afraid. This morning I received an email from another person claiming to be MALIKE BAMIYI. What is going on? Are you MALIKE BAMYE or is this other guy the real deal? You have some explaining to do. How can I believe that you're the real MALIKE BAMYE?
This comes just as I was about to allocate the $10,000 USD to assist in the transaction, but now I am not going to make that allocation until I can be sure of your genuinity.
Please reply to me as soon as possible to sort out this mess. This is all most unorthodox.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
This is where it gets strange. I seem to have tempted fate with my last message, because now I get this mail telling me not to contact Malibu anymore. The logical conclusion is that it's another scammer trying to steal a mug:
From: "Central Bank"
ATTN:DESMOND WIGTURNER
I AM DR. FRED ADAMU THE CHAIRMAN TELEX DEPARTMENT OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. [CBN] A REPORT JUST CAME ABOUT UR TRANSFER AND TAHT IS TO SAY THAT UR MONEY IS HOPEFUL OF GEETING. AND U ARE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA ON FOREIGN OPERATION HE IS THE PERSON TO TRANSFER THE MONEY INTO UR ACCOUNT. AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS MAIL I WILL LIKE YOU TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY AND TELL HIM UR PROBLE. IF YOU WRITE OR CALL HIM TODAY THE PAYMENT WILL BE MADE BY FRIDAY AND THEN BY MONDAY YOU CALL YOUR BANK AND COMFIRM THIS MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT AND WE ALL REGOICE. HE WILL GIVE YOU HIS IDDENTITY CARD TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH.ANDALSO KNOW WHO TO HOLD IF THERE IS ANY WRONG TRANSFER.
NOW YOU ARE HEREBY INFORMED TO STOP WRITING AND CONTACTING ANYBODY.
LIKE MALIKE BAMIYI.
THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR,S MAIL ADRESS IS
********@******.***
TELE:nnn-nnn-nnn-nnnn
MOBILE:nnn-nnn-nnn-nnnn.
CALL HIM AND TELL HIM THE FULL DETAIL.
AND THEN KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED FOR GOOD NEWS BY MONDASTOP CONTACTING
ANY BODY AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS.
YOURS TRULY
DR.FRED ADAMU
[CHAIRMAN TELEX DEPARTMENT CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA]
My fingers are so crossed it hurts. Next I get this message from Malibu trying to defend himself from my previous accusations, which rather confirms my suspicions that he knows nothing about the Chairman:
From: Malike Bamiyi
dear Wigturner
you for your mail i am the only malike bamiyi i told no one about business l sald the turth about the business none i will give you a password for secrity reanson, iwill send you mail with be password only you and i no the word,
god bless you and your family
mailke bamiyi
This is actually brilliant, because he is the one that comes up with the password idea. In the past I've had to go on for a while before I can get a 'password' system in use. Passwords can be an unlimited source of fun.
Well I'll deal with Malibu first, I won't bother to tell him about the chairman.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
I must say, this is all very unorthodox. This is not how business is done in my country, and I would appreciate it if we could be more professional about this. For god's sake man, you do not seem to know the difference between the 'i' key and the 'l' key on you board of keys. Does your board of keys have an 'i' activatrix, or should I send you one?
I agree that a password system should be used. Your passphrase will be: "I'm smooth all over". You must use this phrase at all times.
You have still not told me whether you have confiscated your father's wheelbarrow or why you are named after a type of rum. I am less inclined to believe the identity of someone who avoids answering my questions.
Also, please see the attached file concerning the transacion.
Hugs and Kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
The attached file is ~200k of data from /dev/urandom with a made up file extension. I thought he needed a bit of head scratching time. Meanwhile I can deal with the "Central Bank":
Of course the chairman told me not to contact Malibu, so the first thing I do is make it clear that I told Malibu about it. I'm starting to wonder if I can fork the bait in two.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dearest Chairman Telex,
How do you get your telegraphic electronic posts to be so big? It makes you look important.
I quite understand that I should keep my dealings private and not tell anyone. I only told my cousin, his wife, my friend at the police station and of course MALIBU BUMYE.
I shall deal with this business right away.
Best wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- How are we going to rejoice?
Now a quick note to the Chairman's friend, seeing if I can't stir up a bit of trouble.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Greetings Mr. Below,
Your friend, Chairman Telex, told me to get on to you about this transaction. He told me to Explain my situation. Between you and me, I think he sounds like a bit of a dodgy character, but I'm sure things will work out in the end. Even if he does seem awfully insistant in getting these funds through.
My situation is that a Mr.MALIBU BUMYE's father looted a bank with a wheelbarrow some time ago. He was some sort of Nigerian dictator, I gather. MALIBU wants me to help him recover the funds through the fact that I am a foreigner. I don't think I'm foreign, but apparently I am. Am I?
The whereabouts of the wheelbarrow remain unconfirmed.
I am supposed to be travelling somewhere at some point, but that was also the case when I first used this internet highway thing a while ago. It seemed to me I was staying in my seat, but apparently I was travelling all over the world. It didn't feel like it.
I trust full documentation for the transaction can be provided. I have to do these things by the book, or the authorities get me.
Yours,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Can you swim?
I have yet to hear from either the Chairman or his friend. They're probably wise to me. Let's just get back to the regular bait.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Wigturner
I will like to anwser your question but i don't understand what you mean by wheelbarrow, and rum. will to my own understanding wheelbarrow is a manual truck and for the rum do you mean drink as in bear. and do you know that you are insulting me by my name. and for the attachment you sent to me i can not open it on my computer system. can you send it with a microsoftword so i can view it.because i can't view it or open it right now.
I need your full name and your complect home address with your company address to prepare the needed document to carry on the transaction on my behave to the security company. sorry for the mistake in the keyboard letter i have always be in rush when i type. please one again don't forget to resend the attechment on a microsoftword so i can view and read it.
My password i gave you.... MOSOMAN
And for your phraes is........."I'm smooth all over"
May God bless you and your family.
Malike Bamiyi.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear chip,
First of all, you really shouldn't let your personal feelings intefere with this business. It is most unprofessional. There are a lot of cultural differences between us, so if you want to be successful in international business, you are going to have to be a bit more thick skinned about this.
You are right in your identification of the wheelbarrow. It is like a mix between a spinning jenny and a hovercraft. But rum is nothing like a bear. I was unaware that you had any bears in Africa, I thought it was all lions and bonobos.
In the meantime, I am continuing to go through the procedures required to allocate the $10,000 USD I will use to assist the passing of this project. You have still not supplied me with any identification. This must be dealt with.
I am surprised that you are unable to open my file. I mean, ANYONE is able to open a standard "Idle Cretin Interchange File". What sort of operation are you running down there? To help you, I have sent the file as a microsoftword document. Don't try and tell me that you can't open THIS, it would really make me question who I am dealing with.
Here is my information. I trust it will speed up the transaction.
Full Name: Mr. Desmond T. Wigturner
Complete Mailing Address:
48 Incontinence Way,
Gulliville,
Buhte-Cracke,
UB88R5E
U.K.
Occupation: Retired businessman. (Very rich)
Age: 55
Here is my password: MOSS MAN
Lots of Love
Mr. D. Wigturner
Yes, that was the most puerile address I could possibly come up with.
But at least I finally get introduced to his imaginary lawyer:
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Wigturner.
How are you and your family hope it well. i have try to open the file which you sent to me but i can not open it with any of this program. adobe pagemake, micosoftword, photoshop, coral draw which i have on my system. you can as well resend it with any of this programs. right now you will need to contact my attonrney and introduce yourself to him on my behalf malike bamiyi and he will be the one to foreword all the needed document to you please do that as soon as u can't, and give me a feed back.
CONTACT EMAIL ADDRESS OF THE ATTONRENY IS
xxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx
And the name is: barrister sulaman yaya.
password: mosoman
phrase: "I'm smooth all over".
God bless you and your family.
Malike Bamiyi
Well at least we know what Nigerian webcafes have installed. Oh wait, wrong phoney lawyer account:
From: Malike Bamiyi
sorry his new email is: xxxx@xxxxxxxxxx.xxx
am sorry for the erro. send him a mail with this email address. Thank you
password mosoman
phrase"I'm smooth all over".
malike bamiyi
Don't think you can shut me up by moving me on to another one of your identities, Mr. Bamiyi. I'll put a request in for a photo, see how he copes with that.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
Please, we have discussed this before. Please do not refer to me as 'Wigturner', but 'Mr. Wigturner'. I am able to get your name right, am I not?
Rest assured, I will contact your solicitor in due course. Yet I still have not received identification of yourself. More important that the documents from our legal friend is that I have a a picture of you so that I can verify who I am dealing with. Please supply this to me as soon as possible. In the photo, you should be holding up a sign with your passphrase on it. Also, so that I can be sure that it is a genuine photo, you should be holding up a razor or similar shaving implement. These are required for me to be confident in our business relationship.
The $10,000 USD has successfully been allocated for this deal. There should be no more problems in this regard.
My password: MOSS MAN
Hugs and Kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- I have found your mails to be very sterile. I have tried to be friendly in my messages, but I never recieve a warm interesting response. It is like you ignore half the things I say. For instance, I always sign off my messages with something like 'Hugs and Kisses', but you sign yours off with 'God bless you and your family.'. Sure, it's nice, but it isn't nearly as affectionate what I say. Is this transaction only one way?
Now it's time to have fun with his 'lawyer'.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Sula Yahyah,
My friend, Mr. MALIBU BUMYE, has asked me to contact you. Between you and me, he sounds like a bit of a dodgy bloke. He wants me to help him release some funds that his father looted with a wheelbarrow. Even though he does sound a bit incompetent (He couldn't even send me your email address without making a mistake and his control of the english language leaves much to be desired. I hope now that I am talking to a professional I will not see these problems.) I am willing to help him because it does sound like he has had a hard time recently, and I like to do my bit to help. Plus it can never hurt to be on the good side of the seedy underbelly if you see what I mean, even though I am a very rich man.
I have not told him this, but I am planning on personally giving him a little something extra alongside this deal as a gift, because I feel sorry for the situation he is in.
Once I have received proper identification from him, I will be ready to proceed with your business.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
If I were pressed into it, I was just going to tell him the gift was a wheelbarrow or something.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Mr. D. Wigturner
how are you and your family ,hope they are fine?
i have read your mail and demand.it is in other,but i want you to understand my situation.you are aware that iam under security survaillance.iam restricted from moveing outside my house.it will be very difficult for me to invite a photogragher to snap me as of now.but iam assuring you that as soon as the security is relaxed around me or as soon as i can beat the security network on me,i will bring in a photogragher to get the right picture you requested and send it to you.
i hope you have been in touch with my attorney,i want you to pay more attention to the attorney because he is well positioned to conclude the transaction with you.feel free to discuss and relate with him on anything whatsoever.he has every information to make the transaction succesfull.you can only report to me on any development in the transaction.
password: mosoman
phrase: "I'm smooth all over".
God bless you and your family.
malike bamiyi
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dearest MALIBU BUMYE,
I am glad that you understand the requirements, but you must also understand that this requirement is needed soon. I do not do business with people over the internet who I don't have a photo of. This is a standard procedure. It is needed for the transaction to continue, so please do concentrate on getting the photo to me as soon as possible and do whatever it takes to acquire it. Surely a magnesium flash cannot be too hard to rig up?
I have contacted your solicitor, but he has failed to get back to me. He doesn't seem like a very decent character. Where did you find him? He wasn't hanging around on a street corner was he? I had that problem once. I came across this lounge lizard standing outside a gin mill on the eastern turnpike. At first I thought he was a drugstore cowboy, but he assured me he was a solicitor of the highest repute. Two weeks after I hired him, he egressed in a dog with a noted bootlegger taking my modalities. What a Bunk. Your solicitor isn't a rag-a-muffin is he?
Hugs and kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- I noticed that you still sign your emails with the cold 'God bless you and your family.'. I thought I could feel a bond between us, but alas I am disappointed. My signoffs are far more affectionate than yours. Do you not feel the bond?
This seems to have spurred him into reading his 'lawyer's account and replying.
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear mr.D.wigturner,
Iam in receipt of your mail. First of all, let me ask you about your family. I guess they are fine?
Iam aware of the transaction and I have been expecting your mail. I want to assure you that every machinery has been put in place for the successful conclusion of the project. The security company in Holland where the money is being kept has been briefed about you coming to conclude the transaction and every relevant document for the successful conclusion of the transaction is in their custody.
We need to liaise together to conclude the transaction without any difficulty. Meanwhile my phone number is nnn-nnn-nnnnnnn.you can reach me on phone so that we can talk more and discuss other things in details.
Regards,
Sule yahaya
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
Thank you for your response. I will be dealing with these matters subsequently. Believe me, the anabasis of the modalities will be dealt with auspiciously, however the resolute comportment of our mutual associate perturbs me. Can you assuage me? I am a very rich man.
I would like to know about you personally. Are you married? Do you have children? How did you get into the legal profession? How well do you know MALIBU BUMYE? How did he find out about you? Can you swim?
I have the suspicion that MALIBU's father's wheelbarrow has been confiscated, so I needn't worry about the legal implications of that. I have already assigned $10,000 of my own money to aid in the project, so will be ready to take steps when required.
Best wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
Well, he's a lawyer - a professional. He should have access to a dictionary.
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
let me first assure you that you need not be perturbed.everything is going fine.
As regards to your questions,
1,Iam married and i have two children as of now.my first son is a
graduate of philosophy who is with me in the house as of now.my second
child is a girl and she is a final year student of mass communication in
the university.you can call me in the night,you can speak with both of
them because the are available with me as of now.
2,I studied law at university of Nigeria nsukka and i enrolled in the Nigerian law school and was called to the bar which qualified me to practise as a lawyer.
3,I have been a family friend and lawyer to malike bamiyi for a some time now and he is well known to me.
Iam assureing you that there is no need for you to worry at all about this transaction.keep cool we will reach to our desired destination.
They security company in HOlland might contact you any time from now for you to come and clear the consignment from them.you have to bear it in mind and prepare your mind toward that.
My sincere wishes to your family.
Best regards,
malike bamiyi
Oh, ouch. Look at that one more carefully. A mail from the 'lawyer', but it's signed by Malibu. Our friend has got his identities mixed up.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah. If that is your name.
What on earth is going on? I get this mail from you, "sulaman yaya", but you have signed it "malike bamiyi". Can you explain this? Your confusion of identity is most troubling. I have said before that I will not continue with this transaction until MALIBU BUMYE has satisfied my photographic requests. This is more true than ever now.
Could you please explain what a degree in "mass communication" consists of? Even though I am a very rich man, I do not understand. Does it consist of a lot of shouting?
Please reply soon and reassure me.
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Can you swim?
I know! Let's tell on him while we're at it.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
I am afraid that your fruitcake of a lawyer is playing up. What sort of lawyer is he? He has started signing his emails with your name now. What a clodhopper. I worry that he has set himself up to impersonate you. How can he be trusted?
Naturally, this has rather upset my confidence in the matter, and I must say that I require this photograph as soon as possible. Please do get a move on. Just now I was on the verge of deallocating the $10,000 set aside for this project, but I decided to give you a second chance. Do not disappoint me, please.
Hugs and kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- I still notice a lack of personal affection in your emails. It would be a shame for us to let our natural affinity to slip by. Do you not like me?
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
Honestly speaking,it was a pure oversight from me.you asked me question about my relationship with bamiyi,in the course of answering the question i was carried away and i did not know when i wrote bamiyi instead of my name.
I believe it is not something to be worried about,iam not bamiyi and bamiyi cannot be me.it is just a pure over sight.
A degree in mass communication is the certificate the university awards her student when she has finished her programe in the university.mass communication is a discipline that involves the descemination of information,it involves journalism etc.
regards,
sule yahaya
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
You got carried away writing the email? Good God, man. How excited can you get writing a goddamn email? I bet your wife must have a great time in bed if you can get so 'carried away' by just writing a letter.
You say that you can not be MALIBU and MALIBU cannot be you. I do know that. I fully understand the metaphysics of the situation. I don't have a problem with that. It's just that you must understand that this accident does not exactly instill confidence in you. I do believe you, and I will still go ahead with the business, but my eyebrow is cocked from this point on.
So a degree in 'mass communication' is a bit like being the announcer at a train station?
Best Regards,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- I was in the middle of shopping for MALIBU's gift, but now I shall put it off until I have received photographic confirmation from him.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Mr. D. Wigturner
How are you and your family i hope there are fine. and how was your weekend have always want a nice greeting from me i and i will give you some nice greeting as you have ask me. straight to my point i got an email from my lawyer today he ask me to try all my porsible best to get you a photograh of my salf i will try and send you one of my old photo i have with hope that will be ok with you and i am very happy for your understanding in helping me out with this transaction and i also hope you and my lawyer can get along with each other, my lawyer have explan the mistake he made in the last email he sent to you and he has apologize for the mistake. and i am also apologizing to you, you can put trust in him the way i have also trust him. sorry for the mistake he has made. I will be sending the pic to you buy tomorrow buy God grace. he also said that the security company will contact you anytime from now please this my life and the only i have for the benefit for me and my family.i need your help.
love and kissess for you and your family
wishing you best of luck in our transaction.
password mosoman
phrase: "I'm smooth all over".
malike bamiyi
We have success in getting him to return personal affection. Well, at least a few 'kissess'. Now he has to pretend he likes me. This is good. I wonder if I can raise the stakes.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
I'm sorry to say that an 'old photo' of you is not sufficient. It is not what I asked for. What I require is verification of who I am talking to. In the photo you MUST be holding up a sign with our passphrase on it, and you must ALSO be holding up a razor or shaving implement in the other hand. This is the point of the photo, so that I can check that the photo was taken for the purpose of this transaction.
This is very important to me. The woolyheadedness of your lawyer I can deal with.
Lots of kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
From: Malike Bamiyi
Mr. D. Wigturner
I am so surprised with your mail. I told you my ordeal but it seems you do not want to understand with me. You here advising me to bit the security so as to snap the picture to you, if you know the kind of security network on me you will not say this kind of thing.
As a matter of fact, there is no way I can bit the security network placed on me. I have told you before now that I will send you a picture that I already have with me now and if situation, improves I will as u have requested but of you fill that it is not ok there is nothing much I can do for now.
This business should purely bass on trust where as you will be happing in the conclusion
Of the business but the money in question should be in your custody and as such I should have more fear than you.
Password mosoman
Phrase: "I'm smooth all over".
Lots of kisses,
Malike Bamiyi
I'm sure I can make the 'security situation' improve quite rapidly.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dearest MALIBU BUMYE,
That's your decision if you don't want to go ahead with the transaction. But it would be much simpler for you to just fulfill my request. It is not much to ask at all. It is just a photograph. You don't have to make this as hard as you're making it now.
If you take the photograph, we can get on with this business immediately. It's as simple as that. I am a very rich man.
You say that the business is simply based on trust. How am I supposed to trust someone who mysteriously refuses to have a photograph taken? What's more, it should not come as a surprise, because I have been asking for this photograph for quite a while.
Lots of Love and Kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
But once again he seems to think he can put me off the trail by changing subjects using his 'lawyer' identity. This time, the person he introduces me to I think actually exists. Probably a more senior scammer, maybe the guy running the mugging operation in Amsterdam. I'll keep this for later and try and get him into trouble with his superior. But I'm not ready to move on yet.
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
Below is the information of the security company in Holland.thier name is nass consultants and the name of thier operations manager is tim johnson.his telephone number is nnnnnnnnnnnnn.his email address is xxxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxx
i address that you call the operation manager(tim johnson) so as to discuss with him on how to get the funds across to you.
i want you to be updating me regularly as soon as you open contact with the operations manager.
regards,
sule yahaya
In the UK, lawyers use crazy paper formats. Similarly, in Nigeria lawyers don't have shift keys. It's something to do with tradition.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
Rest assured I will get in contact with the security when it is appropriate. Before that, MALIBU BUMYE has to reassure me of his verity. I am sure naff communications are competent to perform the task, and all will go well.
Before I do contact them, are you sure you have got the telephone number and email address right? You didn't get 'overexcited' again while typing them? I wouldn't put it past you.
Best wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- You have not answered my question from my last email regarding 'mass communications'.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Mr. D. Wigturner
How are you and your family hope fine? I am still surprise that you don't want to understand my situation in hand. what you are asking about the is not a big deal but you have to understand that I am under a security watch, I have try to do what you have ask but I can't bit the security network around me. Try not to force things into my hands if I try to call a photo man or try to use a camera which i don't have they well be suspecting I am trying escape from them. I wish you are here with me to see the kind of problem I am going through I see my family once in a week. i would like to have given you a photograph of me you ask but understand the security is tight with me right now. I am doing this business not for my benefit alone but for the benefit of my wife and children. Don't make this picture you are asking of stop the transaction, remember that I am trust the money in you and all this money will be in your custody. I am meant to be the one asking you for all this things. I will like to have your picture also I hope you can understand my situation and carry on with the transaction.
hug and kiss
Password mosoman
Phrase: "I'm smooth all over".
Malike bamiyi
Hug and kiss? In the meantime, the 'lawyer' has got around to reading his email...
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
Iam in receipt of your mail,I must inform you that you are quite insultive in your mails to me,I will prefer to tell you that I do not like the manner you write to me.for the fact that I owned up of my mistake in misplacing my name for malike bamiyi should not be enough reason for making reference all the time.we are all mortal beings and as such prone to mistakes.so our mistakes should not be an object of ridicule unless you want to tell me that you are above mistake.
The information of the security company I gave you is correct and I expect you to contact them immediately for the interest of the project.whatever personal differences you have with malike bamiyi should not in any way effect the conclusion of the transaction.the security company should be in a better way to prove everything that you really needed.
I do not understand you interest in mass communication and what role mass communication has to do with the transaction we have at hand.you better see it as a discipline in the university
Regards,
Sule yahaya
Before I start talking business with the Barrister, I'm just going to fill Malibu's head with a bit of nonsense.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
Unfortunately I still have to ask for the photo. I do understand your situation, and also am confused as to why they would mistake you taking a photograph for you trying to escape. If you tried to use a camera which you do not have, they wouldn't think you were trying to escape, they would think you were mad. That's the sort of thing that gets you locked up in my country.
The only way I could imagine your captors would think you were trying to escape by using a camera is if they thought you had hidden in the camera a high tech miniaturisation device, like in the hit movie, "Honey, I shrunk the kids". Similar to the inspired blockbuster starring Rick Moranis, you could use the device to shrink yourself and then escape through the cracks in the floorboards. Or perhaps through some kind of air venting system. But life is not a movie! Are you insane? You must be deluded to even consider such an idea.
I really have to go now, because the painters are going to come in to do our office, seeing as we just moved in. Of course from the offset I wanted lilac, but Tim (my nephew - he's a bastard) said it would be 'gay ass'. But of course that was how I had envisioned the office from the outset. Lilac. I probably would have chosen a different location if I knew I wasn't going to be allowed lilac. I would have chosen something which would be more suiting to a barley colour, which is what Tim seems to be insisting on. Now of course neither of us are the ones who get to decide what colour the area leading into the office gets to be, that's up to Jan. Jan's alright, but she has her own sense of taste, which affects us because we don't want the office to feel too 'deep' by having a light lead in colour. Tim is good friends with Jan, so you'd think he would have some influence over her decisions, they're usually in league with each other in any argument, but Jan seems to be insistant on white. Now of course, if we had decided on a nice light lilac in the first place it wouldn't be so bad, especially if it had a hint of blue.
Anyway, to get back to my point, I require this photo from you to continue with the transaction. I need confidence in this. By the way, I have been rethinking the $10,000 I had allocated to the transaction, and was thinking that it might be a better idea to allocate something nearer $20,000. You can never be sure with these things, and it's better to be on the safe side and have some spare than to not have enough. What do you think?
Lots of Love,
Mr. D. Wigturner
From: Desmond Wigturner
Mr. Yeahyeah,
Indeed I will soon get in touch with naff communications, and I want you to know that it is not a personal difference that is driving me to ask for the photo, but it is a formality. I simply do not do business with people over the internet when I don't know what they look like.
I have just purchased MALIBU BUMYE's gift. It cost me a pretty penny, but I think it's worth it. Anyway, I can afford it: I am a very rich man.
I do not mean to be insulting but you must understand it is very strange for an educated man such as yourself to make such basic mistakes. I was checking the number and email because this is supposed to be a confidential transaction. If I were to get a wrong number and start talking about the deal to a complete stranger, you would not appreciate it.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
The Barrister is a bit slack in responding, some provokation is in order.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
You are waiting for me to continue with the transaction, but I am waiting for your friend, MALIBU BUMYE to continue with the transaction. Maybe you should take this issue up with him, as I really need that identification photo from him. After all, I do have to be extra careful who I deal with ever since my run in with the law which I have told you about. The last thing I need is the police catching up with my whereabouts and tracking me down.
By the way, in your previous email to me, you said:
"...should not in any way effect the conclusion of the transaction..."
The word 'effect' can be used as an abstract noun or a verb. As a noun it means the resultant consequence of an action, but as a verb it means to bring about or to create. You used it as a verb, and thus it had the wrong meaning. The word 'affect' on the other hand is a verb that means to alter the conditions and result of something, which is what would have been right in this situation. I thought you were a professional man. Don't they teach you these things at law school? What's gone wrong? Please try to get it right in future.
Regards,
Mr. D. Wigturner
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
iam in reciept of your mail.it sounds funny the way you take on issues and react to them.it shows your level of understanding and maturity.
however,what i meant to write is affect.
i have noticed some gramatical blunder in your mails to me but i felt that it did not matter because we are not in an english class and besides it has nothing to do with the transaction at hand.In whatever you do you have to put an element of maturity and wisdom instead of behaving more like an juvenile.
i believe you should ask of identification particularly,international passport or driving licence instead of asking for something that makes it look like a childish affair.you should ask for something that is an accepted standard any where.
regards,
sule
This is great.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Yeahyeah,
What is going on? First you crazy Nigerians contact me to ask for my assistance, which I duly agree to give. Then you don't have any interest in anything I have to say. It's almost like you're working from a script. I thought we could be friendly about this transaction, but every time I show an interest in anything else, you ignore me. That's not very friendly.
And now you have the boldness to question my maturity. I am a very rich man and have been doing business for many years, but I had yet to have an experience like this. I'll have you know that the photograph method I am asking MALIBU for is a standard procedure, and is required by my accountants for me to assign the $20,000 to the deal. It is an accepted standard, far more than a passport or driving license that can easily be forged.
Add to this the fact that MALIBU BUMYE has not contacted me for a while. Are you sure he's alright? Is he alive? I think you'd better go and check on him. Maybe give him a visit. Bring him some fruit. Tell him it's from me.
I must go now, because I don't want the police to trace me.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- The milkman left grapefruit juice on my doorstep this morning. I HATE grapefruit. If this any of your doing?
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
We should be friends and it is only when we are friends that we can achieve success. I want you to understand me so that we can move forward.we are working together for a common interest and we should not misunderstand our self.
Regards,
Sule yahaya
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
Thank you for coming round from your temporary insanity. I hope this business can be very beneficial to both of us.
Did you go round to see your friend MALIBU BUMYE and give him the fruit? Is he alright? Why hasn't he contacted me? I need the identification.
Please see the attached document regarding my fund assignment.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- You are still continuing to ignore most of my questions. I thought we were going to work as friends.
Attached was a 1MB file of random data with the extension '.doc'. I wonder how big his mailbox is. This was back before mailboxes were gigs big.
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
iam in reciept of your mail.my computer has only microsoft word and jpeg file attached to it so i could not download the attachment you sent to me.can you resend it with any of this program as i mentioned.
regards,
sule
Don't worry. I have trouble opening random data too.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
I did send the file as "microsoftword", but you don't seem to be able to open it. Don't worry about it, it's obviously beyond your capabilities. As is replying to any of my questions. Ever.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear
How are today hope fine, i have been making arengement for the photograph you ask me about i have ask the milk man to come down with a camera to my house. i will send the photograph to you by tomorrow as you have ask me to do it not that just easy as you have as me to send you the photograph that is why i have not reply you since the last time i got your mail will i got a mail from my lawyer to try all i can do to get what u have ask for, will by God grace tomorrow you should get the information you have being asking of.will the milk man help me out by tomorrow as i said he will come down to my house with the picture scan in a disk so ican send it to you.
please try and listen to my lawyer so the transaction can carry on in time because we don't have anymore.
i will be waiting to hear from you be for i send the pic.may God bless you and your family.
hug and kiss
(i am smoth all over)
malike bamiyi
I get goosebumps when he calls me 'dear'. The milkman was on my side all along.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
First of all, please get the passphrase right. It is "I'm smooth all over" and not "i am smoth all over" as you wrote. Technically I shouldn't have replied to this message.
A word of caution. Be careful when the milkman comes round. If you're going to let him into your house, don't let him anywhere near your wife. Keep an eye on both of them at all times. We've had a few situations here where unexpected arrivals turn up if you see what I mean. And I'm not talking about extra bottles on the doorstep. Although that too has happened recently. Mr. Yeahyeah will tell you all about my grapefruit experience. Or he might not, because I'm not sure he reads my emails, even though I am a very rich man.
Speaking of Mr. Yeahyeah, did he bring round the fruit I sent? I hope you enjoyed it. He didn't want to bring you fruit.
You also seem to have a problem reading my mails and responding to my questions. Please do, it would greatly increase my confidence in the transaction.
Please send the picture soon, and make sure to get ALL the details right (sign and razor). Otherwise I can't accept it, neither can my accountant.
I kiss and fondle you,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Seeing as you're going to have the photo taken by the milkman, will you be able to take the picture posing on his milk cart?
Take a deep breath. We're about to strike gold.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Mr Desmond Wigturner
How are you today? hope you have setup your new office as you told me the last time.
Thank you for your avice about the milk man and my wife. but as i have told you i am not staying or liveing with my family.i have send the picture you ask me to get for you i have sent it try and check the atteachment for it.
Now that i have sent you the picture let us go stright to the business transaction because we have wested time on this picture, by now my family should have been in europe or with you. as you have said that you are an international business man dey should be no more question again please let go stright to the transaction.
I got a mail from my lawyer that you sent him and attachment which he can not open and read it, and secondly he told me he have sent you the contact of the security company in europe please try and contact them so the transaction can be carry on. please try and understand my situation i have try all my best to meet up and please you try please i am not in a happy situation the only thing that can bring joy to me is when i find out that the money is in your account don't forget that the amount of the money is 23million us dollar.
I'll be waitin to hear from you.
God bless you and your family
password mosoman
"I' am smooth all over"
your's friend
malike bamiyi
Stupendously fantastically brilliant. I have a trophy. It's not amazingly clear, but it's something. Enough for me to tell that it's not faked. I'd still like a better quality version, so I will keep pushing for that. Nice that he has actually started reading my messages.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
Thank you for sending me the photo. You must send me a higher quality copy so that it can be verified to be genuine by our experts. It's not a big deal, just send me a version that hasn't been so highly jpeg compressed. You might need to scan it in again.
I am glad you managed to get the photo taken. I take it your captors did not in the end think you were trying to escape. Perhaps they have not seen "Honey, I shrunk the kids".
I will indeed get in contact with the security company. This business should be dealt with as efficiently as possible, and with maximum redolence. Where is your family at the moment? Are they on holiday? I hear the south island of New Zealand is nice this time of year.
The refitting of the office is going splendifferously. Thank you for asking. The decision has been made on beige, which was really not what any of us were originally planning. I suppose I'm happy with the decision as it lets the beech colour of the wooden desks blend in rather than stand out with the rest of the decor. I feel that such a contrasting feel would very much be a mid/late 90s thing. Which is not what we want to convey. But of course you know all about mid 90s fashion disasters, you live in Nigeria.
Tim, though he is a miserable fucker, is very paranoid and keeps trying to hang tablecloths over the windows so the police can't see in. While I too don't want the police to be getting involved with us, I am far more concerned about the light balance and whether it makes the room feel lopsided.
Lots of kisses and cuddles,
Mr. D. Wigturner
It's about time I had some forms for them to fill in. The Inland Revenue are real sticklers about these things. I knocked up the following in sodipodi and the gimp.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
It is quite easy for you to see the questions I asked if you simply read the past few mails we have exchanged. I shouldn't have to do that for you.
I am indeed about to contact naff communications. You do not have to worry about that.
In the meantime, these forms I have attached must be dealt with by you. Please fill them out and return them to me. I had to go to the post office yesterday to get hold of the forms. I had to queue in the rain, it wasn't fun. Unfortunately they are necessary in my country otherwise I get in trouble with the authorities.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
I'd like to get Malibu in trouble with an upstream, senior scammer.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Tom Johnstone,
Greetings and good trouser mouse boxing to you. My associate MALIBU BUMYE and his sidekick, SULE YEAHYEAH told me to get in touch with you. Apparently MALIBU's father used to be some kind of military dictator in Nigeria and stole a bunch of money. He wants me to help him recover that money. I'm not sure how, but I guess it's though some kind of telekenisis mindmeld session. I usually leave this sort of stuff to my accountant. I am a very rich man.
I have secured $20,000 of my own money to aid in this transaction and would like to know how to proceed. I would like to see full documentation of the transaction, which I trust you can provide through your company, naff communications.
Hugs and Kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- We may have to wait a few days for MALIBU's half baked lawyer to complete some official forms for me. Honestly, the more I talk to him the more I think he got his law degree from drama school.
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
Let me reconfirm the information of the security company to you.it is not naff communication but nass consultans.
There information is shown below,
NAME OF FIRM: NASS CONSULTANTS.
CONTACT PERSON: TIM JOHNSON
CONTACT PHONE NO: nnnn-nnnnn nnnn.
CONTACT EMAIL ADDRESS: xxxxxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxx or xxxxxxxx@xxxxx.xx.xx.
Iam resending the information to you for confirmation purpose.
regards,
sule yahaya
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
Iam in receipt of the attachment you sent to me.
I have copies 53.7.2b transaction application via g.u.l and copy 53.7.2c statement of transaction.
The statement of transaction is blank, nothing was written on it. the transaction application, I do not really know what to fill about it and its relationship with the transaction we have at hand. honestly speaking, I have gone through the form thoroughly and I did not see its relevance or its linkage with the transaction we have at hand and it makes me to be worried if we are really wasting time all this while.
Please explain to me the relevance of this forms and what to fill about it because iam getting worried as of now.
More importantly, have you contacted the security company? And what is the situation report. I gave you my phone number to call me ,up till now you have not called me,moreso,you have not given me a number I can reach you. please I need our number.
I will be waiting for your urgent mail for further clarification and also I want you to call me.
Regards,
Sule
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
Thank you for correcting my mistake. I am in the process of contacting nice consultants.
You are a worrier aren't you? I have never before known someone to empty his bowels just because of a few forms. There is no reason to worry. I am very surprised that you have not seen these forms before and that you do not know how to deal with them. You are a lawyer and international businessman aren't you? You should understand all of this stuff.
I am not wasting your time, as these are entirely necessary tax forms. I could get into a lot of trouble if I don't sort them out. So these forms are indeed a waste of time if you do not care what happens to me and only care for yourself.
The statement of transaction is blank, correct. This is because you are supposed to fill it in. You must fill out the forms for me, scan them and send them back. If you're having trouble with it, just have a go. An improperly filled out form is better than an absent form.
You should remember that I do not have access to a telephone at the moment because the new office has not had its communications set up yet. Please try to keep up.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
You should understand that different countries has different domestic policies, what is obtainable in your country might not be obtainable here.
Iam not saying that I will not fill the forms but iam saying that there is nothing to be filled. what do I write in the blank form, do I start writing something that is irrelevant which I will not like to do. the other one, I still do not know what to write because the content there still does not make any sense to me.
If it is compulsory that the forms must be filled, then you should be of assistance in filling it. most importantly, get in touch with nass consultants so that we should know when this transaction is coming to an end.
As you said that you do not have a phone where I can call you then try to find a way to call me.
Regards,
sule
A nice reasoned response there. A bit confused about the forms but nothing to worry about. A few minutes later, this arrived. Those few minutes have been enough to let his blood boil.
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear friend,
From the way you write, it suggest to me that you are into drug and makes you not to reason and think normally.
Iam being afraid doing this transaction with you and besides iam suspecting you to being a homosexual. I guess you are not normal both mentally and physically.
I wonder where your intervention will come from, only GOD knows. an international business like you, you do not have a phone, even a mobile phone, shame on you.
You are telling me that you are rich, you are not rich, you are leaving in fantasy particularly, when you snuff your drug it makes you to live on top of your world.
Iam regretting ever doing business with you and iam considering canceling this transaction with you unless you shows a sign of seriousness and commitment.
Most importantly, you have to shade all this your vices, if you are to have a break through in life.
Regards,
Sule.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Look Mr. Yeahyeah,
It's obvious that you have some crazy issues with about how business works in the world and when to and when not to accuse your business partner of being "a homosexual", but for MALIBU BUMYE's sake I am willing to continue the transaction. He is supposed to be your friend, but when you talk to people who are trying to help him you act like a mental patient. If it were you I was supposed to be helping, I would have dropped you like a gypped quiff.
I don't know why I feel I have to prove my wealth and genuinity to you, but I have attached a picture of the $20,000 I have obtained to aid in the transaction. As you can see it is in cash at the moment.
The forms are quite simple and international. The statement of transaction simply needs to have a description of the situation and transaction involved. The fields on the other form are explained in the text. Just fill them in. I am really worried that you don't know all about these. It makes me wonder whether you are a real lawyer.
Now you are the one that has to show the sign of seriousness and commitment to me by `filling in these forms instead of complaining and asking silly questions.
And no, I do not have a mobile phone, because they are very easily trackable by the authorities. Have you any idea what a security risk that would involve? I do not want to have my name on the records of a mobile phone company.
Lots of love,
Mr. D. Wigturner
Photo courtesy of the 419eater forums and a bit of Gimp trickery.
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
HELLO,
your mail has further vindicated me that you are not serious and should be disregarded.i see you more like a lunatic.
i guess this should be the last mail i should send to you.
At this point I was starting to think that the apocalypse for this bait was going to be coming up pretty soon, so in order to doubly piss him off I decided to set up another character and bait him from that one as well. The idea is that when the bomb drops that he's being tricked, if several of his suckers turn out to be pranksters he will start to get suspicious about his real suckers. As soon as they do/say anything slightly out of the ordinary he will come down on them like a ton of bricks.
That's the theory anyway. Half of the aim of this is to give them just enough doubt that they're continually being messed about.
Having said that, meet Sue Oreo, who has supposedly just received one of Malike's spams:
From: Sue Oreo
hello there,
im very sorry to hear about your situation. i would like to help in any way i can, unfortunately i dont know a lot about this sort of thing. my minister tends to deal with all of my moneys. please, youre going to have to help me out here with the methods of finance ok?
i am praying to the holy one for you
Sue Oreo.
That's not to say Desmond doesn't still want to seal the deal. Pay attention, this could get complicated.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
I don't know why you think I'm not taking this business seriously. Why would I not take it seriously? What would I possibly have to gain by not being serious about the transaction? I know that this business could get both me and Mr. BUMYE a lot of money. Why would I want to mess that up.
As far as the security company goes, they haven't replied to me. Are they usually just slow or is there something wrong? Also, MALIBU BUMYE hasn't contacted me recently. I need him to send me a higher resolution scan of the confirmation picture. Is he alright? Are the guards being a bit hard on him?
I must say as soon as this business is over I'm going to reccomend MALIBU gets a new lawyer.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- I don't know personally what Nigeria is like, but judging from your conduct, I imagine it looks something like this:
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear friend
How are you doing over there i am happy to hear from you, but to what you said that i am going to help you in finance. will i realy don't no more about you but my child gave me your email address that she got it on line that i should try and send you a mail that you will be able to help me out in my transaction. will i will like to know more about you so i can tell more info about the business transaction.
I'll be waitin to hear from you
God bless you
malike adamu
Malibu has signed himself by the wrong name again. Nevermind, because Sue Oreo is a simple soul and loses no confidence.
From: Sue Oreo
hello i'm sorry i'm not sure if i'm doing this right,
i am a very good woman who worships my lord and father and i feel i must help you in every way i can. what do i do next? if you want to just send me the money, a cheque would be fine. my minister says that as we are a church our accounts have 'tax exempt status'. so the money would be very safe indeed. my minster already has quite a lot of money in the account and nothing has happened so we know it's secure. i am quite shocked that you let your child on the internet, after all people get lost all the time. to get lost in a place of such ill repute would be very worrying. you also wrote your second name differently. you wrote it as adamu and not bamiyi. are we supposed to be doing this? i dont know much about these things. are we supposed to use different second names in place of our second names or did the second name originally come from your middle name and you put it second in your name or did you have an alternate second name but not first so we could be anonymous or is my computer machine breaking?
i pray for you every day (not prey because that would mean i were hunting you oh sorry i didnt mean to be disrespectful to you by making a joke)
Sue Oreo.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Hi Desmond Wigturner
How are you today hope everything fine with you. sorry i have not realy back to you since you sent me your last email. there have change the security around me right so i have to be watchfull to study them before i can send you an email.
will how far have you gone with my lawyer hope no problem, will he have contact me that you have get intouch with the security company that the security company said you are not ready to help in the transaction that and secondly you don't sound serious in the email you send to them will i never new you are like that let me understand what you are realy up to i raely don't profile to even now who i am transacting business with Mr Desmond Wigturner what do you take me for scam or treck i still don't understand that you can send and email to the security and tell them nonsence like. what money are discussing with my lawyer no one as ask you money, just like you have been yelling me that you have keepth 10$ later said again you have change it to 20$ i am not asking money i only need your that is why i have contacted you.
well i pray God will help me out one day.
God bless you and your family and all your respond in my email.
malike bamiyi
'Malike Bamiyi' is definitely the ying personality of our scammer. Good to see we've got him in a bit of trouble with the 'security company'.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
I do not know why your lawyer is saying such things about me. He has shown himself time and time again to be very unprofessional. The recent hoo-hah came about after I asked him to fill out some forms that are required for the business. This is not unreasonable, or at least it wouldn't be unreasonable for any legitimate lawyer. I must advise you get a new lawyer as soon as this transaction is over. I know you have a friendly relationship with Mr. Yeahyeah, but you cannot continue with him being your lawyer. Don't worry, you can still see each other as friends.
I do apologise if I said anything to the security company I shouldn't have. Is what we're up to a bit hush-hush? I didn't realise I wasn't supposed to be telling the security company these things.
I take on board that the $20,000 isn't required. It's just that in my experience transactions of this type often need a bit of extra cash for expenses. Should I de-allocate it then? If I de-allocate it, there's no way for me to re-allocate it, I must warn you.
A thought occurred to me. Is our lawyer friend being so difficult because I need to grease his palm to get the business moving? Is that it? Is that how things work in Nigeria?
Anyway, I still need the re-scanned photo from you. Please do this soon.
Lots of Love and Kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Please answer all of my questions.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Desmond
How are you today and how is life treating you over there hope fine. Sorry for the delay of the last mail you sent to me, I just got online today. like I told you that you will not be getting much mail from me because of the new security network around me, my lawyer sent me a copy of your last mail that you send to him about the money you scan on the attachment, but I have not ask you for any money yet. and you have scan the money with my name written on a cardboard paper. I am not happy with what is going on at hand with the transaction right now. I know you are willing to help me out in this business transaction but time is not in our side any more.
I have contacted my lawyer to get in touch with you.
Mr. Desmond please this transaction have taking much of our time, please in the next ten working days from now let put an end on this transaction.
And to remind you this I am not asking for money but any expensive that you made on this transaction I will pay you after the end of the transaction, let move forward with this business transaction, and if you know that you are not willing to help me out please let me know.
Please do not use abusive word to talk to them I mean the security company so that you don't go and destroy the relationship btw me my money and them.
I will get in touch with my lawyer again to know much and try to make a good friendship with my lawyer.
Hope to hear from you soon next
Password mosoman
I am smooth all over
Dear friend,
Malike Bamiyi
Don't be abusive to the lawyer and security company?
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dearest MALIBU BUMYE,
So I should go ahead and deallocate the $20,000 then?
You say "I have not ask you for any money YET". What do you mean by 'yet'? This implies that you are going to ask me for money.
Dear MALIBU you tell me that this transaction is taking a long time, which I am aware of. It is you that is slowing things down. If you would just get your lawyer* to fill out the form regarding the transfer of money to my account we would be finishing the transaction soon.
So do I have to grease your lawyer's palm to get this business done?
Lots of love,
Mr. D. Wigturner
* When you call him a lawyer, I take it you mean he plays one on tv. Actually, do you have tv in Nigeria?
I'm glad this next one arrived because I was beginning to think he'd forgotten about Sue Oreo.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear friend
How are you doing to day and how is the church doing hope fine sorry for the Daley in your email reply. like you side in my name yes I made a mistake in my name.
My name is malike bamiyi adamu , but I use malike bamiyi. I thank you for assisting me in the transaction but I will like to know your full name and your contact details.
what I will like you to do is buy helping me to stand as the beneficiary owner of the fund. the money as of now is in the custody of a security company in Europe and the security company has a license office in USA .the money can be transferred to the USA and other branches office of the security company. Your role is
to help us to clear the consignment (money) at the office of the security company in USA, LONDON, HOLLAND, SPAIN, and SOUTH AFRICA the officials of the security company will help you to open/establish an account where the money
Will be lodged until we agree on where to invest the money. So I want you to tell me when you will likely travel to Europe to conclude this transaction. I will be needing your private phone number and fax to get in touch with you hopping to hear from you. Good by for now
Malike bamiyi
From this we learn that although the plot's basically the same, he's (probably) at least writing the emails to us individually even at this early stage.
From: Sue Oreo
Hello Mr. Bamiyi
oh dear i dont see why you couldnt just send me a cheque wouldnt it be so
much simpler. i havent done much travelling in fact i have never left the
country. me travelling to europe would be quite a big deal for me. im
going to have to talk to my minster if thats alright. why has the
security company got the money, did they steal it from you? thats not a
good thing. i shall give you my telephone number as you asked. i think it
is +nn nnnnnnnnnn. i am really not very good with these things they are
very confusing to me if you have any problems with it just tell me.
may my lord help you
from Sue Oreo.
The phone number was just some random payphone in Oklahoma.
More importantly, the Barrister is talking to Desmond again!
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
The last time i saw malike he was crying to me to make sure that this transaction is concluded and that i should contact you to facilitate the conclusion of the transaction.
Whereas i have no problem in contacting you.whereas we do not have any personal problem.what i want is an assurance that you are serious and you have to show commitment in the conclusion of this project particulerly,you should show responsibility how how you write and what you say.
this are the assaurance that i need so that we can put heads together and conclude this transaction at the shortest possible time and to the benefit of all.
regards,
sule yahaya
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear Mr. Yeahyeah,
Last time we conversed, you were very rude to me. It would seem we are having to do business again. I would have preferred it if Mr. BUMYE had selected another, competent lawyer, but I am stuck with you. You keep suggesting I am not serious. This is a huge insult, and you just seem to throw the suggestion around with no care or attention. When was the last time you were swinging a cat? Do you not know of the dangers involved when swinging a cat that's eaten too much tuna inside a grain silo?
Before I can have full confidence in you, you must apologise to me.
I also need those forms filled out. It should be no problem: It's first year law school stuff. I could ask any paralegal to do them and they'd have them done in 30 seconds. For you not to be able to do them is astounding.
Best Wishes,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Who is 'malike' and why was he crying? He sounds like a bit of a wet fish to me.
From: Barr. Sule Yahahya
Dear Mr. D. Wigturner
iam not begging to do business with you,but iam only trying to please my client and not you.
i want to let you understand clearly that iam not going to fill those forms because there is nothing to fill there.
well,if you do not mind how you use language,it then means we will have a problem because i will not entertain writing to me in an un professional manner.if we have met face to face you will have every course to respect me and to talk to me diligently.
regards,
sule
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
Your cretinous lawyer is not cooperating again. He is playing games. Now he refuses to fill out my forms.
I was wondering if this is because I haven't bribed him. Am I expected to bribe him to get the business done? I didn't know this was how things were done in Nigeria.
Lots of hugs and kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
There's something great about snitching to someone about himself.
Back to Sue Oreo's story.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Sue Oreo
How i are you doing today? i got your mail you sent to me. you have not yet given me the your full contact address, yes i know you have given me your phone number but like i have said to you i am under house arrest so i can't make phone calls in my house because of the federal govenment security around me. but i will try and contact to my lawyer so that you can also get intouch with each other. before that send me your full contact address so that i can make a contact of how the cheaqe can be made and how it will get to you, your full name will be needed and your full contact address.
And are you ready to travel to europe for me please let me know.
I will be waitin to her from you.
Malike bamiyi
From: Sue Oreo
Mr Bamiyi, i do not quite under stand why you asked for my phone number if you were unable to tele phone me on the tele phone machine. i might be being very stupid here. i do not under stand what this house arrest is do they make you do knitting all day or are they not so nice to you? i have talked it through with my minister he tells me that i must help you at all costs to myself as it is my lords work. but he did say to be careful of the people who refuse to communicate on the tele phone machine as they are often the agents of the evil one himself named Pringle. for the servents of Pringle himself cannot hide behind the tele phone and become un covered themselves when they do. i want to help you and here is my addressing address.
SUE OREO
HENPLUCKING HOUSE
LAMASERY RURAL ROUTE
NORTHERN SCREWBALL
MINNESOTA
227454 (K)
ok i will finish now Sue Oreo.
oh have i not signed off: sincere blessings, Sue Oreo.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear sue oreo
Why i have ask for your phone number is that i can ask my lawyer to call
you so that he can make the arangment of the cheaqe to you right. not
that i can make phone call but it is beter my lawyer call you but don't
worry i discuse that with him before i ask him to give you a phone call.
sorry i will get back to you by tomorrow and explan more to you
God bless you, the church and the minister
malike bamiyi
From: Sue Oreo
Mr Bamiyi,
please you are so con fusing. i am so con fused. what is a cheaqe? why wont you stop con fusing me?
is it some kind of special financial or legal retainer? is it a body part? i do not want a body part sent to my house. my minister got noticed doing that once and the news papers never left us alone once they noticed.
i will admit to you now that i do not really know what i am doing with all of this stuff and its doings and i dont really know what. please help me help.
gods blessings at hand from Sue Oreo.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Hi sou oreo
let me explan thing to you i am under house arrest ok so i am only alloud to use the internet freely, but for the phone i am not realy free when i want to use the phone, that is why i said i will ask my lawyer to give you a call and for the cheaqe a friend of my will sign a cheaqe for you but i will pay him back after the transaction is over.i just don't trust him that is why i don't want them to know anything about the transaction i can't sign a cheaqe for you when i am under house arrest because they will trace you and find out what and want to know what you have with me. i don't want them to know that i still have some money in a security company that is why i am still under house arrest i can only contact you through the internet.
this cheaqe i am sending to you is because of the finacal aspect you will need for the transport.
please i realy need your help since you said that you are from a church please let me put my hope in you.
i will want you to scan a picture of your salf and send it to me sorry to ask you this because i have learnt not to trust people anymore but sine you said you are from a church i will like to know the name of the church, why i am asking all this is that after the transaction is successfully i will try find a way to get my salf out so i can come down to your place with my family and carry on with a new life. sorry for what i have ask you to do you should understand why i am saying all this just to ensure trust in you, please try and snap the picture with a cardboard paper on your hand writeing (I LOVE YOU JESUS).
this is my last hope i mean the last money i have with me. and i am marred with one wife and two kids a boy and a girl i realy love them.
i will be waiting to hear from you
God bless you and your family.
malike bamiyi
That's priceless. It looks like Malibu has picked up some tricks from me. Though I could easily fake such a picture, in a way it would mean admitting defeat. If only by a tiny bit.
Evasion.
From: Sue Oreo
mr malike i am shocked that you suggest that i love jesus who do you
think i am? for many reasons i do not praise jesus we are not christians
for many reasons and i worry for you i do worry. take a picture de
claring my loving for jesus you say well i say that would be a tra versty
in my com munity i would never of the dream of such things you hear no. i
find it not easy to grasp that a christian would accuse to me of to being
not honested; this is puzzled to me. my minister says that you yourself
are your self taking advantage of me and the fact that i did done tell
you that i had no ex perience in these deals. this is not a nice thing to
do but i am commanded by my religion that i must help you any how as your
needs must come be fore mine in this age.
my lord knows the one, Sue Oreo
From: Malike Bamiyi
so what are you going to do know since the church as commanded you that you most help me out. please try and do what i have ask you to do so the transaction can carry on, and if you are saying that the church has ask you to help me out, why do you still need money from me. if you realy want to help me help and the the lord jesus reward you for that .
Blast. Sue Oreo's not well educated enough to correct his grammar.
From: Sue Oreo
Mr. Bamiyi,
i have not asked for moneys from you i do not need moneys i have not asked for money. you told me that you need to transfer to my account your funds to my account so that you could do the claiming business. so you were going to send me a cheque for the moneys you hear. if you were not willing to send me money why were you talking about sending me a cheque? i dont know. why are you asking me? i am not doing this in the name of the so called lord jesus because he is a bastard. my faith does not of have of any connection to jesus we swear we only praise my lord who is the one. i am very confused at this stage and i hold myself most humbly at your service you must know what youre doing because i dont. please tell me of how i can help next help.
in my lords name
Sue Oreo.
From: Malike Bamiyi
I will ask my lawyer to to give you a right, because i can't do that right now. and you can also send him an email which is xxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxx.xxx and tell him you are from malike bamiyi and try to introduce yoursalf to him that you are suo oreo he will tell you what next to do.make sure you explan your salf mpre better to him.
you have noy yet send me what i ask you, well i will be expecting that from you.
thanks for your intrest.
malike bamiyi
Wonderous. We get to talk to the 'lawyer' again.
From: Sue Oreo
Mr Malike,
sorry my computer memory doesnt re member what you asked me on the before time. its not on the sheet. with the numbers? no.
you will have
to ask me be cause then my computer will remember the things i hope. i
can then give in comply my answer as i must help you. i will talk to the
law yer you have sent. should i send him somewhere?
from,. Sue Oreo.
From: Sue Oreo
dear Lawyer, i am sue oreo and i am a woman that malike bamiyi wants to help me by helping himself and the lords praise. i must do something with money that he wants to send to me but i dont know what that is i dont. i think he will end up getting more money but i am very new to all of these financial things i hope you can help me. lords praise. Sue Oreo.
Desmond does still exist, Malike. He still isn't that cooperative.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Mr desmond
i belive you should have understand me by now i don't understand what is going on right now. please make me understand my lawyer because i am not getting mails from him anymore and what is the problem in hands right now please let me now?
i will be awaitin yore reply
malike bamiyi
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
I really do not know what is wrong with your lawyer. He is malfunctioning. It baffles me to be honest. I suspect he wants me to send him a bribe before he will let the business proceed. Why on earth did you put me in touch with a corrupt lawyer?
I need the forms from him and I need you to send me the higher resolution photo. Really, I am a very rich but more importantly very busy man, and you and your Nigerian circus friends said that this business would be dealt with in ten days. I have spent a lot of time on this deal, and your lawyer can't be bothered to fill out a couple of forms.
Lots of love and affection,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- My name is not, nor has it ever been, 'Mr. Desmond'.
From: Malike Bamiyi
I don't understand your grammer anymore just try and get in touch with my lawyer and do what i ask you to do. introduce yoursalf to him that you are from malike bamiyi.
try and send him and email just ask i have ask you to do.
malike bamiyi
From: Sue Oreo
Mr, Bamiyi.
you say that you dont under stand my grammar you dont? im the one who cant under stand your grammar. i have had to get my minister to help me trans late your messages you send me. you sure as all sure dont talk like anyone from a round these parts thats for sure. i would like for you to be more com prehendible but if that is all your edu cation provided for that is not your fault. the lord knows you have already faced hard ships already in your life and you ob viously know more than me about finance than me he knows. because i want to help you i have sent something to the law yer. i will also try to talk in the same way you do to help you under stand. i feel your bad position from Sue Oreo.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Desmond,
Sorry my late response.
l have make an arrangement to get the fund transfer to your account via my fiduciary agent who is handling this transaction on my behalf as i have decided to do away with the lawyer.
Please send me your phone number so that my agent can talk to you on phone as this transaction will be effected within few days.
Be inform that very soon i will be set free from house arrest.
Awaiting your urgent response.
Bamiyi
Brilliant! I've made him fall out with his fake lawyer! That's hard to do. But the 'I'/'l' confusion is back.
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
I am so glad to hear you have dropped your oaf of a lawyer. He was most uncooperative. Have you reported him to the Nigerian law association?
It is important to me that because Mr. Yeahyeah completely hurt my feelings that you denounce his actions. What do you think of your once friend Mr. Yeahyeah?
I still require your higher quality photo and now you must fill out the forms I wanted Mr. Yeahyeah to deal with. I think he was too busy tending his flocks of modalities.
How did you escape from house arrest? Are the police after you now? Are you on the run? This must be very dangerous for you. Remember: when undercover, if you're going to beat up a janitor and steal their clothes as a disguise, make sure it's a male janitor. Because that underwear can be murder.
Lots of love and kisses,
Mr. D. Wigturner
I of course attached the forms I had previously sent to the Barrister.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Desmond,
l have write the transaction statement and i am sending it to you via attachment, please i do not understand the other form as i am not a lawyer so i fill it the way i understood it, kindly help me to fill the remaining part of the form.
l am currently hiding in a neighbouring village, it is important you get back to me so that we can proceed and please let me know when you will be travelling to the security company in London to claim the consignment.
Get back to me now.
Malike
Awful condition - complete with coffee stains - even so, you can tell he spent a good few minutes fretting over it. He even got the Tipp-Ex out at one point!
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
You have reverted to your behaviour of swapping the 'I' key with the 'l' key. They do different things.
The statement is ok. It's fine. I just need you to fill in the whole of the other form. You know, like I asked you to?
How can you be hiding and using the internet at the same time? You have to get up to reach the table to use the computer, and then surely you blow your cover. Have you put the computer on the floor, and if so, how do you stop the ants crawling into it? I would really appreciate you answering this question as it is most perplexing.
If you're having any trouble with the form, just fill in all the fields the best you can. They aren't difficult. Anyone with access to such money should understand all of these most basic things.
I am not coming to London. That place is a 'shithole'. And the Lord of all West Crotchstain has banned me from the Westminster borough for not wearing a bowler hat in the commons and being a 'filthy commoner'. I have arranged with your ex-lawyer to come to Amsterdam, and I will come as soon as I am satisfied with the authentication and documentation, which shouldn't take long at all as long as you cooperate. And then I can send you the present I have got for you. I think you'll like it.
Lots of love, hugs and more.
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Please don't make me ask again for the higher quality authentication photo.
This next one is very intriguing:
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Sue,
Sorry for my late response.
l have make an arrangement here with the help of my lawyer to deliver the money to your door step through a diplomatic means. l have fill the shipment form yesterday morning and the diplomat will be leaving tonight for U.S and soon as he arrive U.S he will call you for direction to your address as your phone number has been given to him.
Be inform that the diplomat is not aware of the money inside the consignment as it is tagged personal effects and photographic materials to avoid diversion of our fund, on a contrary be mindful of your discussion with him when he calls you on his arrival in U.S.
Get back to me soon.
Malike Bamiyi
Now it probably just means they have a scamming friend in the U.S. already. Or possibly they're trying to scare her. I really don't know, but whatever happens, someone's going to have fun calling that number.
From: Sue Oreo
mr malike i am con fused.
when you talk about this man he is being close to visiting me in the internet or being in the lords per son? how does he travel through the internet does he have to show a passport? you really should have have asked me have first before you organ ized all of these things because i am not sure if he will be allowed any where near the sanctuary i am not sure. we do not allow people not of the one faith to ap proach the commune or go inside but i will see what i can to to arrange things i will see. i will talk again have to talk to my minister again. i will look to hearing from yours soon.
Sue Oreo.
Meanwhile, Desmond is producing the desired results:
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Desmond,
What exactly do want me to do right now cause i am really tired and perplexed. You ask me for statement of transaction which i did considering the risk i took going to internet cafe which is about 8 mile away from my hiding place.
Please if you are not willing to help me kindly let me know so that i can as well look for reliably person to help out. Do think i am happy hanging around.
You said you can not go to London where the security company is. l beleive you are not ready to help, Hope so?
Please let put aside all this formalities and go straigth to business.
Mr.Malike
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
I am sorry that you are feeling slightly inconvenienced. But business is business and these forms are important. However, more important is the higher quality photo of yourself that you haven't yet sent to me.
You misunderstood me when I said I would not go to London. This is because I have already arranged to go to Amsterdam, where your ex-lawyer chum said there was also a branch of the naff security company.
Speaking of which, have you reported your ex-lawyer to the Nigerian legal authorities for violating legal code 881.60.3c: "Being a dodgy bloke"? I am a very rich man and do not like to deal with unscrupulous people.
Best regards and hugs in the warm regions,
Mr. D. Wigturner
Malike still has trouble thinking Sue's a christian:
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Sue,
l have just received your message. Please i really need your help as fellow christian expecially now that i am in house arrest. Do all you can to make sure that the consignment is in your possesion.
Be inform that the diplomat does not know the contents of the consignment.he is not aware of the money inside the box as it tagged personal effects.
The name of the diplomat is Alfred Njoku he will calls you for more direction.
Keep me posted.
Mr.Malike
From: Sue Oreo
Mr Malike,
my minister has not been allowing me near the computing machine recently
hasnt been letting me any where near. i am worried about this poor man
you have sent into the internet to meet me because if he did go in and
happen some thing like the lightning it would all be white and he would
die. i am not a christain it is not the good religion i only praise my
lord and i am not of the fond of the christians. it is all very difficult
how are you getting this money out of your sys tem to me? what is
personal effects is it like the fading thing in predator?
good endevours Sue Oreo.
Malibu's starting to get aggressive with Desmond:
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Desmond,
l still do not understand why you keep requesting for my photo in this transaction, l am begining to loose confidence in you that you are unserious about this business.
And i will tell right away that if you are not ready to do this business you better stop sending mails to my mail box right.
Malike
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU BUMYE,
I am sorry that I have not been able to get in touch with you recently, it is summer over here, and everything tends to slow down during the summer as other events take precedence. Additionally, I had a small run in with the law, who did not let me go as quickly as usual. Thankfully they don't know everything about me, or I would be spending a lot more time with them.
I really wish you would stop suggesting that I am not interested in the business, it is a most insulting thing to do in business. I am very interested in the transaction and intend to finish it right away. Do you think I like having deals hanging in mid air with half filled in forms?
Please will you get on with your side of the deal and tell me what it is you actually want me to do, as I have been given no instructions as of late. This money that you are promising me could help me with my legal bills.
Lots of hugs,
Mr. D. Wigturner
ps- Please don't send me implied threats (intentional or not) in your emails, it is not good conduct.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear friend
How are doing today hope fine and well. I am very happy that i am no more under house arrest. i never new you are a kid on the internet just trying to play with peoples mind. i have to say this becos i don't know how you look like since the very first day i sent you a mail.
Now i can give you a call my salf if you want me to just send me your phone number so i can reach you my salf and talk more better about the issue.
malike bamiyi
From: Desmond Wigturner
Dear MALIBU,
I am not using your last name because you do not deserve it. I am sure you are a disgrace to the name BUMYE. However, I said I would help you with this project and proposal, and I will. I do not like being called a kid. I was a kid once. So were you. The fun ended at the hopscotch, my friend! Let's leave the buckaroo tournaments out of this, or I shall have to challenge you at jacks?
I still have the gift I bought for you. I had expected to have given it to you by now, but you're making this business drag on. It's still sitting in my back room taking up space, which is very annoying. I still have a large hole in my chequebook from its purchase, my finances are recovering.
I have finally, after a lot of hassle from the telephone company, got a phone line installed and it should be working. The engineer told me to use this number: +nn nnnnn nnnnnn. I hope to hear from you on the phone to check that you are genuine. I also need that photo that you are resisting to give to me. Why would any genuine person refuse such a thing? Now that you have escaped and surely have men chasing after you with truncheons, nobody will think you're trying to escape by taking a picture and being shrunk by its high tech polaroid light guns.
You said that you have not seen my picture. I shall send you my identification to sort this out.
Lots of strained feelings,
Mr. D. Wigturner
The ID was something I did in Sodipodi and The Gimp, as ever. I really was planning on this being the end. And it was the end in a way. The phone number was the number of a chinese takeaway in Dorset. I thought that ID would seal it. If there were any more messages, they would just have descended into slanging matches between us. Whatever happened, the pretence would be up. Or so I thought.
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Desmond
I have read your mail and i have gone through your I D which you have sent to me. i will give you a call on the number u gave me.
Malike bamiyi
From: Malike Bamiyi
Dear Desmond
First of all the number you gave me was a uk number right and it is also wroung number playing games with i am not a kid you should be playing games with. let me no your mind if you are not ready to help me out. and you keep calling yoursalf a very rich man but rich people don't act the you do. just try and beleave me i will give you 20% of the money when the transaction is done. i have got nothing to do with your phone number than to comfarm who i am transating with.
love from
malike bamiyi
Sigh...
From: Desmond Wigturner
Hey Malibu,
You may be wondering why you have not heard from me for a while. This is because I have become bored with screwing around with you. I really thought you would be more quick witted about these things, buddy.
Oh, and in one of your recent emails you said: "...the only thing that can bring joy to me is when i find out that the money is in your account...". Well, that's not strictly true. Couldn't you get one of the guards to give you a handjob?
Signed,
your ever loving Desmond Wigturner.
From: Sue Oreo
Hey Malibu,
Can you swim?
